How not to make yourself feel better.

If you need surgery, and would like to make yourself feel worse, you should deff watch your surgical procedure on YouTube.

Why not to cut weight.... at least for me.

I cut weight for Copa, and this was closer to cutting weight than what I normally do.  If I want to drop a weight class, I always start well in advance, and try to go about doing it in the best way possible, with the least negative effects on my body.

For Copa, I about 5% of my body weight in six days.  It may not really seem like a lot, but it was enough to put me in the hospital.  Oops.

I normally have low blood pressure, and in cutting weight, I got dehydrated, and it caused my already low BP to drop even lower.

The weird thing about it was I have been dehydrated before, and I feel dehydrated.  I am tried, my head hurts and I feel awful.  This time though, I felt generally fine.  I was tired, and sore, but I attributed it to the fact that I had just competed.

However, walking across my house, I blacked out, and landed on my face.  Neither of those things were real great for my body.

It's actually not as funny when you are the one falling down. 

And being that blacking out and smashing your face is not something that generally happens to 30 year old healthy women, I was forced to go to the ER.

Luckily the problem was just hypotension caused by dehydration, and possibly my anemia in conjunction with my already low BP.  My normal BP is 85/50 ish... so when it is already low, having it drop rapidly from standing and moving quickly, I fainted.  I do get dizzy if I stand up quickly from time to time, but I guess it was just made worse by dehydration.

So, they gave me an epic crap ton of fluids... they started with three bags all at once.  That sucked quite a bit.  It made me REALLY cold and miserable for about an hour... but then they gave me fluids at a normal rate and kept me for observation.  ... Observation being, my standing up and siting down a bunch of times over and over, whist my hospital gown malfunctioned horribly.

So, the moral of this story is... I will never cut weight again.  I will just fight strong at my walking around weight and that will just have to be enough, and I am sure it will be.  

What do you look like when you grapple?

I am tall, and I have super gangly arms and legs.  This really doesn't translate into graceful grappling.

While grappling, I've been called, lengthy, leggy, wasp-y, and noodle-y.  I've been told grappling me is like grappling an octopus, and I've had "Release the Kraken!" screamed in my face more then once when I pull guard. 

All of that sounds awesome, right.  Except maybe noodly.  Which is sadly probably the most accurate of the aforementioned adjectives.  

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!

This is what you think... but really, I am more like this:

And wasps?! 

I wanna be a wasp!  

I'm not.  

A non-threatening, bowl of noodles?... maybe.

But, low and behold, I came across a picture on the internet yesterday that I am fairly certain captures what I look like perfectly when I grapple. 

Brace yourselves.

I am a drunk and/or drowning flamingo.  

Sad times... sad times indeed.

I really just wish I was a wasp though.

Flesh eating chicken!

I've mentioned before that I have several chickens.  I love fresh eggs, and from time to time, I enjoy a fresh chicken.  Yes, I do it all myself.  No, I don't know how I can be so heartless and actually kill the food I eat, so don't ask.  =)

Today my chickens (sort of) exacted their revenge.

Every morning when I feed my chickens, they run up to me, and stand very impatiently around me waiting for me to feed them.  Some mornings, they peck at my toe nails, I assume, because they think they are something yummy to eat.  They are not, and it kind of tickles.

Last night, I went for a run, and got a super fancy blister.  It was one of those really great ones, that you get AND pop on the same run, so it burns with the fire of a thousand suns.

Kind of like this

This is not my busted foot.  I repeat NOT my foot.  

(Also, I would advise against using the Google image search to look for pictures of blisters.  I almost threw up.)

The blister it self is probably around a seven on this scale.

(I shamelessly stole this image from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.)

When I got home, I screamed and flailed like a child while I washed it, an then left it uncovered so it would dry out a little, and I could cut away the tremendously sensitive skin that was hanging off the back of my foot.  I wanted to avoid being one of those people who grapple with little pieces of skin hanging off their body.  Yum.

I forgot about the blister when I went outside this morning, and it apparently looked tasty.

I can not even begin to explain to you the pain of a rooster pecking me DIRECTLY in the open blister, then trying to rip the piece of skin off my foot.

If you would again view the chart above the pain was very much too serious for numbers.

This is Marcellus Wallace, the guilty rooster.  He is my favorite chicken, and will never be on the menu... even if he continues to try and eat me while I am still alive.

He is my super awesome dive bombing, razor sharp beak having, does not look like a bitch, top of the pecking order, rooster.  And now I can add flesh eating to his list of accomplishments. Fear him.  Seriously, fear him.  It really hurt when he pecked me in the blister.  I screamed. Loud.

A strange observation.

I have noticed recently that I grapple my best when I am completely and utterly out matched.  It makes no sense.  

If I grapple someone who I cab obliterate with my eyes closed (which is limited to 40 pound sleeping 5 year olds) or someone who is close to my level, sure I do okay.  I can do things right.  I can finish submissions.  I can escape submissions... and of course get submitted.

But there are two really awesome grapplers in particular that when I grapple them, I feel like I am absolutely at the top of my game.  I lose.  Hard.  For the entire duration of the grapple.  But I feel like if I always grappled the way I grapple them, I would be way better than I am. 

It makes about as much sense at this picture does.

Sadly, I can only be awesome 5 minutes at a time, and generally with only those two people... and I spend the 5 minutes of grappling super powers losing.  Its like a cruel joke.

It is especially cruel when I feel like I can walk on water post grappling them, then go grapple someone else and it's like... Oh yeah, I forgot, I am terrible at this!

It's like a depressing reverse rags to riches story every time.

My ovaries don't like Jiu-jitsu

This will not be the first hormone fueled BJJ rant on this blog, and for that I am sorry, but alas... I am who I am, therefor I blog about it.

Every so often my hormones and I have a a major disagreement.  My hormones want me to act out irrationally, cry, and generally be a party pooper, and I want to continue fooling people into believing that I am a sane rational adult.... It is a very fine line to walk, and sadly, I walk it like a sloppy drunk every once in a while.

On top of that, the general time in which my hormones rally in numbers and threaten collapse in on me like a dying star, my anemia gets worse.  I get more tired, and crabby than normal... and you know hormones.. anemia.. dying star...  not a great combination.  

Most of the time Jiu-jitsu helps me to work out my frustrations, thus I am able to continue life without making the 11:00 news.  

Sometimes however, the stars align just right... anemia, epic hormones, and jiu-jitsu frustrations happen all at the same time.

This is one of those unfortunate times.

There is a competition coming up soon, and when we have competitions nearing, Fabio has us work takedowns more than normal.  I've said it before, and I will say it again, I suck at a takedowns.  Monday night he had us work one I just could not do.  The more I tried the less it worked, and I tried until I got to the point where tears were becoming a possibility.  So, I stopped.  I've cried twice in class, and I there is pretty much nothing I hate more than crying in my gi in a room full of men.

Crisis avoided.

Tuesday, I was not as lucky.

One of my teammates is a 238 pound professional MMA fighter.  I grappled him for the first time Tuesday.  No gi.  He was also in class post-massage, so he was literally oiled up and completely slippery.  I could not have held on to his elbow if my life depended on it... and thanks to my hormones, and frustration I was grappling like an epic spaz who's life did actually depend on the outcome of that grapple.

I managed to defend myself the duration of the grapple, but generally felt completely disgusted with my lack of ability to do anything other than lay on the mat in the fetal position praying for death.

Logically, my brain tells me that I am not expected to be able to fight off and subdue a 238 pound professional fighter covered in baby oil, but my hormones tell me I should slump myself in to a ball of self hatred in the corner and weep whilst trying to hide my entire body inside my gi top.

My hormones won.

Which of course resulted in more self loathing for crying at the gym, and... you see where I am going with this.. Vicious cycle my grappling hating ovaries forces me to go through whenever they rally together and find the strength to over power the logical side of my brain.

(Which less face it, isn't that hard to do.)

I did not have class today though, so I was able to give my mind, hormones and body the rest they very much needed.

Before next class I am going to give my brain an epic end of the world movie speech.  Perhaps I will watch Lord of The Rings for some epic speech ideas.  Though, if I am honest with myself I'll probably just cry into my bag of Doritos at the opening hobbit scene in this sad state of emotional distress.

Maybe I will just kick myself in the face, and yell "This is Sparta!"

This.  Exactly this.

How to kill Zombies!

Like many bloggers I keep track of how many hits my blog gets, and how people find it.   And like many other bloggers have done I am going to go over some of the more interesting and popular searches...

"Ringworm" - I am sure that is a result of my rage inducing case of ringworm, and that one time I thought I had ringworm and did not. ~ How to Cure Ringworm (One in search variation in particular that I liked was, 'angry ringworm'.  I feel you buddy.)

"Jiujitsunita" - Seems like a pretty obvious one.  You found the right place.

"Cauliflower Ear" - Why people want to purposefully do this to themselves is beyond me.  I have gone over this before, people.  Don't do it.  Your mother will thank you.  ~ How not to look like an idiot.

"Fabio Novaes" - This one comes up a lot in may variations... Fabio Novaes Lakeland, Fabio Novaes BJJ.  Fabio Novaes is the most amazing BJJ instructor ever to walk the planet...  Yeah, that last one came up the most.  lol  But really, in my opinion he is...  ~ Fabio Novaes Brazilian Jiu-jitsu

"Rage Face" - Perhaps you were looking for this? ...

"I totaled my car and it was my fault" - Me too friend, me too... Not fun.

"Six guys and one girl"  - No.. Just no.

"How to tie my long hair up everyday fat face" - I never did find a way to get my hair out of my face and still hide the face fatness.  If you figure it out, let me know.  lol  This may help though... ~ Find the right hair style for your face

"BJJ hair for women" - This one comes up a lot in various forms.  Check out Meg's blog, she has a great record of BJJ hair for women. ~ MegJitsu - BJJ Hair for Women

But the greatest of these... 

"How to kill Zombies" - The fact that my blog came up via this search pleases me to no end.  The only thing is, I don't know why my blog came up with this search.  Maybe I have given this instruction in some form or another.  In which case, disregard the information you've found.  I have an excellent zombie apocalypse plan, but I have not openly shared this plan with anyone.  The only other thing I can assume is that maybe Google thinks Brazilian Jiu-jitsu is a great way to kill zombies... but anyone who knows anything about Zombies would know that BJJ would be a terrible way to kill a zombie.  

Firstly,grappling would SURELY get you bitten, and then you would just be another zombie for someone else to kill only adding to the zombie epidemic.  

Secondly, how exactly would you kill a zombie with BJJ?  They are already dead so a choke would be pointless.  I suppose breaking their arms and legs would render them to be a useless nonthreatening zombie, but that is a lot of risk and effort for minimal reward.

Thirdly, and dare I say most importantly, who would want to grapple a zombie?  Forget the bite risk, you think it is bad to grapple that stinky kid who never showers and doesn't wash his gi?... What do you think it would be like to grapple THIS guy:

That is just a drippy stinking mess I wouldn't want to touch with a 10 foot pole.

Braaaaaaaaaaains.....

Stupid and Brave are often interchangeable in BJJ.

I have a new puppy... Yes, another one.  Three dogs.

My new puppy, Lord Vader is awesome.

I've been playing with him a lot, which has resulted in about 900 scratches all over my arms and legs.

Not a big deal in and of itself, but when you mix that with BJJ, and especially with the latest outbreak of ringworm going to class seemed like a bad idea.  The Miami Open is looming, and I didn't want to miss a class because I might get ring worm.  

I got two comments about my choice.  Brave, and stupid.  I think it is mostly just stupid.

I went... but I took precautions.  I washed my entire body with hibiclense.  It says it continues to protect you from any of the mat baddies for 6 hours post use.  I also covered all of my scratches in Nu-Skin  and wore long a long sleeved rash guard and long yoga pants under my gi.  I also rubbed down with this Anti-ringworm foam Fabio got for everyone to help combat the ringworm issue.  

Then I showered and re-hibicleansed when I got home.

Hopefully my lack of making good choices won't come back to bite me in the butt and put me out of training for longer than having just sat out last night.  

In other news... last night went much better than last Monday.  Though, realistically it couldn't have gone worse.  

I'm going to wait on working on the heel hook thing until after the Miami Open.  Last night, just worked passing and maintaining dominate positions.  I also did not purposefully give up side control, and gladly did not find myself there once last night.  I decided if I get into side control I will work that choke, but other wise I will stick to normal competition preparation.  Pass.  Maintain.  Submit... and most importantly move move move.  My normal game is more of a guard to sweep kind of thing, but I think my biggest error in competition is getting stuck on the bottom by purposefully going there to sweep.  If I end up there that will be one thing, but I will not go there of my own accord any longer.  At least not in a competition.  

I am pretty fortunate and I have a lot of guys who are willing to answer my questions, and help me out after class.  I will save all of my weird questions and positions for them, and of course Fabio.  He helped me figure out that choke I was screwing up last Monday.  Woo!

67 days until the Miami Open!

Wrong.

Every night I go to class with the idea of trying something new it always goes horribly wrong.

 - Insert game show buzzer sound here - 

I think it was doubly so last night because I was trying two new things.

One of them being heel hooks.

Hold your gasping and declarations of my white belt status for just a second though...  I am FULLY aware of the dangers of heel hooks.  Further, I have never, and never plan to crank any submission of any kind.  In my opinion the danger of heel hooks comes from lack of control, not lack of color on your belt.  They don't always go hand in hand.  

No worries either way though, because I apparently blow super hard at heel hooks.  I do however, think it was my hesitance, and failure to commit.  I think a full 10-15 seconds before I actually attempted the heel hooking it was painfully obvious that was what I was planning to do.  Which resulted in my being followed and mounted when I fell back for the leg.  Wrong.

The other thing I wanted to try was the head and arm choke from bottom side control thing Yeti showed me last week.

To even attempt that I need to be in someone's side control... which is my very least favorite place to be.  (Actually, I think it is mount now... my side control escapes are starting to suck less... but it could just be the epic amounts of time I spent mounted last night.  Blarg.)

And again, I think my failure was due to lack of speed in execution... I spent too much time thinking about what I was going to do when I should have been doing it.  Every time I tried the choke knees got in my way, or my own arms.  Again, wrong!

What it all boils down to is the same thing I have always struggled with.  Failure to commit, especially when it comes to submissions.  You'd think I'd get over that by now, especially considering I know it is a problem.  Another general failing was my lack of practice applying said submissions on a actively resisting body.  Learning how to move with, and around resistance is a major factor in BJJ.  I don't expect to just be able to learn and instantly implement different techniques in to a live grapple.

It was just one of those nights where I leave feeling like I should peel all my stripes off and wondering why I even bother to train at all because I am clearly not cut out of it.  In the less mopey light of morning I feel slightly better, and slightly worse about myself.  I know everyone has ups and downs, and one bad night ... or several bad nights in a row... doesn't mean I should hang up my gi.

I just rest assured knowing that my addiction to grappling will keep me on the mat even if my bad streak lasts the next few years.

Success through failure... If that is the only way I can find success, than that is what I will have to do.  I will eventually get it right.

It just really sucks to feel this way with a competition looming in the future.  If I hadn't already told Fabio I was going to do it, I would probably back out.  

I'm sure this only amuses me...

When I hear the name Fabio I don't think 'I can't believe it's not butter', I think of this guy:

So, I can not help but laugh hysterically when I see this:

Triangles, Triangles, Triangles!

I love triangles.  I tend to catch them more than anything else due to the fact that I like to play from my back, as well as the fact that my legs are 20 foot long spaghetti noodles.  I have yet to meet a shoulder neck combination I can't get my legs around.  Obviously, I am talking about willing participants here.  

On top of that I have a gimped grip so I am relying heavily on my legs for pretty much everything right now.

Taking those things into consideration, I was pretty pleased that last night Fabio went over triangles... and by pretty please, I mean stupid over the moon happy.

He went over all those little things that make everything oh-so much more amazing.  For example where you grab the head to pull down, and the importance of hipping up.  

In other news, I was practicing MMA Jiu-jitsu last night.  Sadly, it was against my own will, and the will of those unfortunate enough to have had to grapple me.  I've mentioned in the past that I love to grapple Yeti.  He asked me if I wanted to roll after class last night, and I am not one to turn down a grapple... especially when the invite is from an awesome purple belt.  I am sure he regretted his offer though.  Not only did I close fist punch him in the mouth when I was trying to swim his neck, but I kneed him in the head... twice.  And worst of all, at one point I had a scissor sweep set up... (Yeti lets me work.)  It felt right at least.  I knew I was set up properly, but I didn't actually look at my leg placement.  The leg that should have been booted against his torso... was booted against his neck... and when I went to sweep I pretty much kicked him in the side of the neck.  Hard.

I am a douche bag, Yeti.  I know you never would, but please kick me in the neck next time you have the opportunity.

I totaled my car.

It was my first accident, and totally my fault.  

Thankfully though, no one was injured, and if the accident had happened two seconds later, I would have been t-boned on the driver's side.  The side where my three year old daughter sits.. and the car that hit us was an SUV going 45.  It could have been a million times worse, so I am just abundantly thankfully that no one got hurt.

My car is just a car.  Zaile is irreplaceable. 

Things not to confuse.

As I mentioned before I'm working my guard passes.

A few weeks ago someone showed me two guard passes.  One where you come in tight, and one that requires you to sprawl on top of the legs to pass.

All last night I was sprawling when I should have been coming in tight.

.... Sadly, my mistake wasn't clear to me until I was in the car, and I was trying to walk my self mentally through the details trying to figure out where I went wrong.

It went something like this...

...break the legs..
...trap the leg....
....elbow to the mat..
...swim the opposite leg...
...come in close to blo....  Ooooooh!  STUPID!

Simply thinking about it, I remembered the correct steps, but for whatever reason my body was not remembering while I was actually grappling.

All was not lost though.

I did still manage to pass most of the time though... just in a really ugly, non-technical, me-smash-me-pass kind of way I am sure.

Which made me happy because I had a move .... that I saw on Youtube... (LOL) that I wanted to try.  Generally, when someone says to me..."Hey can I try this move I saw on youtube on you real quick..."  I go in to the situation very hesitantly.  I will say though, that the person on the youtube video is a legit source so I don't feel bad about it.

It starts out from the scarf hold ... 

Oh wait, I mean this:

I watched it a few times, thinking I would remember it correctly... but I didn't.  I totally left out a major step in the transition.  And I mean, MAJOR step.  Not one of those turn your foot in left or right kind of things.  I mean, like an entire step.  Scarf hold - Knee on belly - Fancy maneuver - Take the back.  ... I forgot the entire knee on belly step.

I kept ending up in a position I am sometimes in after failed armbar attempts.

Hot Garbage!

Next week though!  I am a woman on a mission.

I was 'that guy' tonight.

You know Mr. Injured who only has pain when he is in a bad position?  Yeah, that was me tonight.

Yesterday, like a graceful swan, I fell down a flight of stairs.  I didn't really get any serious injuries.. just some bruising... and one pretty sever bruise on my outer right thigh.

I am pretty sore, but if I didn't go to class, I wouldn't train at all this week, so I went.  We drilled throws.  Ugh.  I wasn't about to be, yeah, let me throw you a bunch of times, and then never give you a chance to throw me.  So I got rag dolled a bit, but was able to mostly land on my good side. Yay there.

Then it came time to grapple... and being that my only genuinely painful bruise is on my outer right thigh... the side I most often hip to, and generally I am only hipping out when I am in some sort of danger... or repositioning... but anyway.  I was grappling, and about to have my guard passed, and ended up on my side, and as she came through, she went over my thigh with all her weight, and it hurt.  Bad. Almost cry out in pain bad.  I had to ask if she could move off my leg.  So, we reset.

I felt like a douche.  I could for the most part grapple like a normal person, except when I was laying on my bad side.  So, I know it looks like I am making it up because the pain is ONLY when I am in a bad position.

And to make matters worse, it doesn't even look that bad, but oh my gosh, does it hurt.

This is right after it happened.  Thankfully I was wearing jeans. 

This is it later that day.

Day Two: (i'm going to edit in pictures until I get bored with it. hehe)

Day Three:

Ugh.

Sorry everyone.

Niceness fail!

I generally prefer defense to offence, and have always been more of a sweeper than a submitter.  Even though I realize submitting people is not rude, I always feel like a jerk when I do it.  It is probably one of my biggest downfalls as I don’t often work them, so my submissions are always the crappiest part of my game. 

Anyway, tonight when I was grappling this teenage boy I was working positions and just general technique since I am rusty.  He is smaller than I am and somewhat newish to Jiu-jitsu, so if I forget a step, or do something wrong I can recover and it doesn’t turn into an epic fail on my part.  However, while we were grappling I started to go for a triangle, and he said something to the effect of “oh no!” to himself, not to me or anything, it was just he realized he made a mistake and was verbally bummed about it.  So, I let it go.  And he FLEW around to side control, and instantly went for an arm bar, and instead of trying to defend it, I figured I would just roll out of it and come around to side control…. But no.  The kid totally blocked my roll out attempt, and instead of trying to be a jerk and  muscle out of it, I just tapped. 

NICENESS FAIL! 

I will however give total credit to the kid for his armbar.  It was a nice armbar and he legitimately stopped me from rolling out of it.  However, my niceness is what got me into the situation in the first place!  I need to knock that crap off.  I’ve always had the issue of not wanting to submit people.  I know it’s wrong, and it is literally what people go there for, but sill.  I feel bad when I do it, and tonight I got myself submitted for failing to submit someone when I should have.  I’m not only denying myself practice, but I am denying my training partners the same thing.  No one benefits when I let go of submissions.

I did it a second time when I grappled someone I had not grappled since I left.  I was a little nervous about grappling them, not in a bad way, but more or less wondering how I would stack up due to my lack of training, so I went into it thinking, “Okay Stephanie, go for it.”  But the second I realized I could still hold my own against the person, I took my guard down, and ended up in a crappy position.  It was annoying because I knew I shouldn’t have been there in the first place and also because I need to just go for it.  I’m only training one day a week right now and I need to make the most of every single grapple I am given.

I need to stop being so passive.  I need to grapple like I mean it, not like I am their mommy. 

I need to watch 300 before I go to class every day.  lol

Holy gassed girl, batman!

When I started Jiujitsu, I was totally an out of shape mom.  ... That being said, I have NEVER not finished a grapple.. .even when I thought my lungs were going to burst, and felt I was actually dying.  I always finished.

Not today.

I don't know what happened, we were visiting another school like I mentioned, and it was SUPER hot.  I grappled twice, and during my third grapple half way through, I had to go to my guard, and just hung out there.

My fourth one, I hit a wall..  like... I just could not move.  It felt like I was grappling in quicksand.  I couldn't really even defend myself.  The guy I was with, went for an arm bar, and after I tapped, I sat up, and my hands were shaking like crazy.  One of my teammates,  Phil, who came with from Fabio's came over with some water and asked me if I was okay.  I said I was okay, and took a sip of the water, but when I tried to turn around and get back to the grapple, I couldn't even hold my arms up.  Phil had to take over for me.  

I went out side to cool off for a bit... and felt like such a MORON.  

I've never had that happen to me before... never.  I don't even know what brought it on.  I know I have had to take a little bit of time off this month because of my side, and being sick, but I am assuming it has more to do with my body still having a lingering bit of run-down-ed-ness... and perhaps the heat..though, the more I think about it, it may also have been the fact that I didn't eat anything.  ...I'm such a moron. 

But man, if those guys can train in that heat, they are going to be machines in normal temperature!

I did have fun though.  I just feel like a putz for having zero gas.  Next time I head out that way, I am going to go to a night time class.  hehehe