Math makes me feel better.

Everyone from my school going to the Pan Ams is leaving today or tomorrow.  Good luck guys!

Anyway, when we were talking about it someone asked me if I would ever go, and I told them, that this time last year, I was thinking about possibly going this year.  But.....9 months off, and only having made it to seven classes in the three three months means I'm so not ready for something like the Pan Ams.

Anyway, we got on the maybe next year subject, and I said, hopefully by the time next year rolls around, I'll be a fairly decent white belt.

It made me kind of sad to think in a year from now I may very well still be a white belt, BUT then I thought about it, and I realized I train less in a month what I used to train in a week.  So, time wise, I will only get three to four months of time on the mat in an entire year.... in comparison to what I was doing before.   I was doing 4-6 days a week, now I am doing 3-4 times a month.

It actually makes me feel better.  I'd love to train more, but I am happy with my more balanced life, happier home, and more stable... everything.  But breaking it down to actual time on the mat versus actual time passing makes me feel better about my lack of progress in the time that I have been back to Fabio's, because it's really not a lack of progress, it is just less time on the mat.... and I am totally cool with that.

It does not matter how slow I go, as long as I do not stop.

This post has ADD

There were several entirely different things that made me a happy little girl last night.

Mostly, I am happy that I am beginning more and more to feel like myself on the mat, and less like a blurry out of focus shadow of my former self.

This is me when I grapple... but less colorful and fun to look at.

There is a guy who has a gi that is a really pretty shade of blue.  It almost looks like a faded dark purple, and sitting next to him on the wall, I told him how much I liked the color.  Turns out, it is just a normal blue gi that he washed with his red one.  Well, after class he brought his red gi in from the car and let me borrow it to wash with my gi.  I thought it was a totally nice gesture, and very unexpected.  My gis are currently in the wash with his.

I am kind of excited to see what it does to my very loved and slightly faded Femon gi too!

SQUIRREL! 

I am finally getting over my desire to always been the defensive player.  Every single grapple last night I went after, (in what I hope was not a tool-ish way) and finally started to go for submissions on a particular person who is less than a good sport.  Normally, I avoid even going for submissions because of that person's general poor sportsmanship.  If getting submitted gets someones undies in a bunch, I don't do it.  Though, I realize more and more that is their issue not mine... And happily, I went for submissions with that person, and found myself pretty successful.  *Toots own horn*

I would like to be have the horns AND halo though.  =) 

I realized my modified BJJ anniversary is coming up!  I started August 9th 2009, but with my hiatus the date my actual training adds up to a year is next month!

And lastly, I got paired up with a huge white belt man that I'd never grappled before, and I was afraid.  But it ended up being a really fun grapple!  He was very, very clearly stronger and larger than I was, but he never just smashed me flat, or muscled my arms off.  He did give me a few pity escapes because it was obvious no matter what I did, there was no way my feebleness was escaping.  And happily he moved without flailing, and if I had to pick a single word to describe the grapple, I would go with courteous.  He was as courteous as you could be and still actually grapple.  I was so happy afterward I thanked him, and told him that I was a little scared of him before we'd grappled because guys his size tend to me really smashy, but that our grapple ended up being  awesome and a lot of fun.  He told me he just thinks about Wizzy when he grapples other women, and does what he would want the guys to do with her.  So, take heart spastic white belts everywhere.  There is hope!  You don't actually have to smash your female partners until their sternums pop.

SQUIRREL!

As I suspected....

Monday rolled around, and I ran to class as quickly as my chicken legs would carry me... and it was the best thing I could have done.

Mostly because you were all right... I was being a big fat pouty baby, and even going a few times a month to keep my foot in the door is totally worth it.

On top of that, I got a really, really nice compliment from one of our purple belts.  I feel like my biggest failure since I've been back on the mat is that I'm super slow, and stiff.  After our grapple he told me I was moving really well, and that I felt good.  I almost cried.  Seriously.  It felt like he was being genuinely honest, and not giving me a polite pat on the head.

I also grappled someone I had not grappled in a long time, so I had forgotten just how redonkulous he is.  He is a blue belt and very technical.  On top of that he is a beast.  As in, he has super human strength and speed, and is enormous.  He won gold in blue belt absolute last year at Abu Dhabi.  Anyway, I think I annoyed him.  If you has switched him mid grapple with a boulder I wouldn't have noticed.  (He was letting me work, if he was on the offence, I'd have been pretzeled 1200 times over in five minutes.)  It was really frustrating, and to keep from getting angry, I laughed every time I got aggravated.  Just so I am clear, he wasn't being a jerk in any way, his defense was just so impenetrable I couldn't have done anything to him even if I had a crowbar.

Imagine grappling this guy:

Or this:

And even when he let me get a hook in here, or there I still couldn't do a thing to him ....  at all.  I spent the entire grapple laughing at my failures instead of getting upset about them... to the point my constant laughter seemed to annoy him.  He is so strong btw, that I can sprawl my entire body on one of his legs and he can still sweep me with that one leg, easily.  So, my brain knows that I am not only technically way out matched but the size/strength differential is so vast that I don't think I could move him unless I had 15 years of BJJ under my belt... but alas, I do not, and I get frustrated.

So, Jimmy, I'm sorry I laughed our entire grapple, it wasn't that I didn't take our grapple seriously, because I did, it was that I didn't want to get upset.  ... not that you had done anything other than be awesome, or that you would ever read this, but it makes me feel better now that I've apologized... and I will probably do it again to your face on Monday.

Warning. Big fat cry baby post.

I've been back to Fabio's since last year... as in since just prior to New Years, but I've trained three times.

Three.

I can't go to class tonight.  I couldn't grapple last week because of the ring worm.  I was sick the week before that.  By the time my sorry behind is back on the mats it will be an entire month between the the last two times I've grappled.

It is starting to REALLY bother me.

If I am being completely honest, sometimes I feel like it's not even worth it.  I know I'm going to progress at a snails pace as it is, and with my husband hectic schedule I am missing classes left and right. 

I know it isn't that big of a deal, and I am just frustrated so I am making it out to be worse than it is, but I already struggle with feeling behind and slow because of the hiatus I took, training once a week makes the feeling of falling behind and never progressing even worse.... (Even though in my head, I KNOW it isn't a race, and there is no falling behind in Jiu-jitsu.) and not being able to train for a month at a time is just compounding that feeling.  Heck, I don't think I've grappled two consecutive Monday's in the eight weeks that I have been back.  On top of all of that, it doesn't make sense to pay to train, when I can't actually train.

Punch me in the mouth.

I know I am just throwing myself a pity party, and I am sure I will happily run back to class when ever I am actually able to make it there, but as of right now I feel like I need to just put a pin in it until I know I am able to go with any real consistency.

Niceness fail!

I generally prefer defense to offence, and have always been more of a sweeper than a submitter.  Even though I realize submitting people is not rude, I always feel like a jerk when I do it.  It is probably one of my biggest downfalls as I don’t often work them, so my submissions are always the crappiest part of my game. 

Anyway, tonight when I was grappling this teenage boy I was working positions and just general technique since I am rusty.  He is smaller than I am and somewhat newish to Jiu-jitsu, so if I forget a step, or do something wrong I can recover and it doesn’t turn into an epic fail on my part.  However, while we were grappling I started to go for a triangle, and he said something to the effect of “oh no!” to himself, not to me or anything, it was just he realized he made a mistake and was verbally bummed about it.  So, I let it go.  And he FLEW around to side control, and instantly went for an arm bar, and instead of trying to defend it, I figured I would just roll out of it and come around to side control…. But no.  The kid totally blocked my roll out attempt, and instead of trying to be a jerk and  muscle out of it, I just tapped. 

NICENESS FAIL! 

I will however give total credit to the kid for his armbar.  It was a nice armbar and he legitimately stopped me from rolling out of it.  However, my niceness is what got me into the situation in the first place!  I need to knock that crap off.  I’ve always had the issue of not wanting to submit people.  I know it’s wrong, and it is literally what people go there for, but sill.  I feel bad when I do it, and tonight I got myself submitted for failing to submit someone when I should have.  I’m not only denying myself practice, but I am denying my training partners the same thing.  No one benefits when I let go of submissions.

I did it a second time when I grappled someone I had not grappled since I left.  I was a little nervous about grappling them, not in a bad way, but more or less wondering how I would stack up due to my lack of training, so I went into it thinking, “Okay Stephanie, go for it.”  But the second I realized I could still hold my own against the person, I took my guard down, and ended up in a crappy position.  It was annoying because I knew I shouldn’t have been there in the first place and also because I need to just go for it.  I’m only training one day a week right now and I need to make the most of every single grapple I am given.

I need to stop being so passive.  I need to grapple like I mean it, not like I am their mommy. 

I need to watch 300 before I go to class every day.  lol

I'm back, baby!

I rolled on Tuesday night, but went super light, and only twice.  Allie and Gumby.  Allie I trust 100% to not injure me, and Gumby is light and very non-spastic.  Both of those went okay pain wise, and I didn't want to push it.  So I didn't grapple any more after Gumby.  I was aware of my rib after class, but it wasn't pain so much as it was... awareness.  lol

I went to class on Wednesday night too, and told Fabio I wanted to try again, go a little harder, but not push it too much.  So, I went with only girls, and stayed on top... and it was fine.  Yay!  It actually didn't bother me at all.  One of the teenage girls asked if she would work her guard passes though, and wanted to  try the standing pass we did in class.  It's the one where you stand up, and bring the person up with you, press down on one knee and bounce them a little to break their guard.  It would have been fine, except she dropped me.  lol   I'd been catching myself with my arm that wasn't being held when she did it the first few times... I just wasn't ready for the drop.  It hurt when it happened, and for a few minutes after, but it wasn't lasting.  By the time I got home I felt fine...but while I grappled, I made sure not to bend toward or press on my ribs too much.

And I went again this afternoon.  I got to go with Ben, and Derrick.  Both of whom I feel like I could go hard with, (and not threaten them in any way shape or form) and know they will not hurt me, and also prevent me from hurting myself.  I still went easy on my side but I moved more freely then I had been doing.

I feel okay right now...  I am aware of my side.. I can feel where it is sore just sitting here, but it really isn't pain.  It's just...  there.   I do know that a knee to the side right now would be very painful though, or someone using a lot of pressure in side control.  So, I think I am just going to grapple, but protecting my side is going to be my main priority.

While I was going with Ben he was sweeping me... a lot.  Fabio happened to walk by one of the times, and said ..."Watch your base, Stephanie... unless you wanted to go to Brazil."  LOL  -  Thanks, Fabio.  Thanks.


Oh... and it is worth mentioning... Ben and Derrick went today while I was sitting on the wall.  I wasn't aware people could grapple at the speed of light until today.