It is exactly 100 days until the Miami Open.
I am going to compete in light weight. ... I know, I know, I said I would never cut weight again, but I have plenty of time to drop the 6 or 7 pounds to make light weight in my gi. It would be silly not to do it.
**WARNING** Reading beyond this point is not recommended. Rambling happens.
For the first time I am super nervous about competing. Sure I was nervous about my first competition, because it was the first time I had competed in ANYTHING. Plus, I had been training all of 2 months.
My subsequent competitions I was relaxed almost to a fault.
I am really very nervous for this competition. This is the first time I have felt pressure (from myself only) to do well. I know it is stupid. What happens if I lose? Nothing. Do I get demoted? No. Do my teammates think less of me? No. Will Fabio think less of me? No. I have zero to worry about... but *I* feel like at this point I SHOULD do well.
Logically I know that I am being ridiculous. There is no need to feel pressure to perform. This is going to sound like a huge cop-out, because it probably is... but in the past I always felt like I had an reason it was okay to lose. This is my first competition... This is my first time in this division... If I lost, it was okay. I would have had a reason I lost.
This time I won't have that safety net. If I lose it will be because my competitor is just flat better than me. Granted, every time I have lost a match in the past, that was the case.... but I always went into it thinking it was okay if I lost... generally I didn't.... which is nice. But honestly, I have never gone to a competition for the medals. I go for the experience. I go for the challenge. I go because I learn. I go because it is fun!
I don't have to win... but this time, I just have an incredible dread and general fear of losing. .... AND IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER!! I don't know why it is weighing on me so heavily this time.
I am going to do it in spite of my fears because I do think I will enjoy it, and I will learn regardless of the outcome... and generally I learn more about my game when I lose then when I win. It is okay to lose! Of all of my competitions, all of my matches win or lose my favorite match is one that I lost... by submission even. I know all of this, yet, I am still afraid.
I want to punch myself in the face.