Friday, July 15, 2011

100 days and counting.

It is exactly 100 days until the Miami Open.

I am going to compete in light weight.  ... I know, I know, I said I would never cut weight again, but I have plenty of time to drop the 6 or 7 pounds to make light weight in my gi.  It would be silly not to do it.

**WARNING**  Reading beyond this point is not recommended.  Rambling happens.

For the first time I am super nervous about competing.  Sure I was nervous about my first competition, because it was the first time I had competed in ANYTHING.  Plus, I had been training all of 2 months.

My subsequent competitions I was relaxed almost to a fault.

I am really very nervous for this competition.  This is the first time I have felt pressure (from myself only) to do well.  I know it is stupid.  What happens if I lose?  Nothing.  Do I get demoted?  No.  Do my teammates think less of me?  No.  Will Fabio think less of me?  No.  I have zero to worry about... but *I* feel like at this point I SHOULD do well.

Logically I know that I am being ridiculous.  There is no need to feel pressure to perform.  This is going to sound like a huge cop-out, because it probably is... but in the past I always felt like I had an reason it was okay to lose.  This is my first competition... This is my first time in this division... If I lost, it was okay.  I would have had a reason I lost.

This time I won't have that safety net.  If I lose it will be because my competitor is just flat better than me.  Granted, every time I have lost a match in the past, that was the case.... but I always went into it thinking it was okay if I lost... generally I didn't.... which is nice.  But honestly, I have never gone to a competition for the medals.   I go for the experience.  I go for the challenge.  I go because I learn.  I go because it is fun!

I don't have to win... but this time, I just have an incredible dread and general fear of losing.  .... AND IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER!! I don't know why it is weighing on me so heavily this time.

I am going to do it in spite of my fears because I do think I will enjoy it, and I will learn regardless of the outcome... and generally I learn more about my game when I lose then when I win.  It is okay to lose!  Of all of my competitions, all of my matches win or lose my favorite match is one that I lost... by submission even.   I know all of this, yet, I am still afraid.

I want to punch myself in the face.


  1. I understand what you mean about previously having an internal excuse for a losing outcome. But you have lots of time to change the way you feel about this tournament. I would shift away from the should win sentiment and just be confident that you can win. I think the latter is more useful than the former.

    I read something a bit ago that I liked, that went something like this, "I don't train to win competitions; I compete to get better at BJJ". [citation needed]

    I'm oddly excited that you're competing! When was your last tournament?

  2. I'm not even going to say anything, because you already know what I'm going to say. :)

  3. Dev - =) I know.. I know! lol

    Ashley - The last time I competed was before my over a year ago. Feb 2010. I love that quote... It is very true.. that IS why I compete... that plus, I think it is fun. =) I truly do not know why I am so afraid this time. It is just plain silliness. I have nothing to be afraid of. I hope as the competition gets closer I can shift my thinking in the right direction. I am sure I will babble endlessly on the subject for the next 99 days. lol Thanks!